Before August came, a tragic incident happened to me. I vividly remember feeling grateful that day because it was a good day at work and I was able to workout.
It was my usual routine. I walked home, I fed my furbaby Rem and was on the P.S. party with Axel waiting for an hour to pass so I could take Rem out for her nightly walks.
I mentioned to Axel how there were two instances that day that made me feel baffled about my situation at my passion project. The first one I was able to shove off but the second message bothered me. I grew suspicious. It was too heavy to shove off because I have no idea what the messages were about so I checked my email. Lo and behold, the most heartbreaking email I have ever received in my entire life.
It was an email of dismissal and what hurt the most are the fabrics of lies that came along with it.
It felt as though my world fell apart and it literally felt as though there were thousands of needles piercing through my heart. Axel and I knew it was coming, believe it or not we really are. But I have cling on to that passion because of the people left that still believes in my capabilities. That very moment made me realize that even though you knew something is happening doesn’t mean it will not hurt as bad anymore. It hurt so bad I started crying so loud. I cried my eyes and heart out. All the pent up frustration and unappreciation and the betrayal that came along with it made me feel so low. It made me feel lesser of a person and it crushed me to my core to be honest. Axel and his mom heard me cry when my mom died. My family heard me cry as I held my mom one last time before she was sent to the morgue May 3, 2018. Those cries were nothing compared to how I wailed at that moment. It hurt so much because you still believed in the good of the people around you but they still went on to hurt you any way. (Disclaimer: This is not to make me look like a victim. I’m really just trying to describe how it hurt me to the point of helplessness.)
Axel was worried being 8296 km away from me. He can only listen and wait for me to finish crying. I did so after more than half an hour. I was at the floor, hugging my furbaby Rem but she couldn’t understand why I’m crying so much. She was still and quiet, as if consoling me in her own little way.
After I calmed down, I shared what happened to some of my closest friends. They knew it was coming too and told me it was never worth it to stay in the first place. But I love the people I came in contact there because of that passion and I never even thought I had that in me until I was given the chance to practice it.
After that incident and after bidding goodbye to a couple of people, I told Axel I wasn’t expecting the coming August to be good. It got me depressed of course — it was an understatement to say I worked hard there. I was doing graveyard shift at my full time job when I started training.That was from 8pm to 5am then I head from BGC to Makati to train. I either nap there then go back to BGC to work or head home to my apartment in Taguig to rest for a few hours before going back to hustling. But you know what, it never felt like a dreadful task. I was happy and contented that I know I’ll be able to help people in my own little way.
Few months down the road, I transferred to another full time job that has a normal daytime schedule. It was the toughest because I was stressed and depressed at that job; I was doing my passion project on the side whilst also consulting and taking care of Rem. I was drained. But my passion project still didn’t feel the most draining of them all — I was very grateful and happy to be with some amazing people there despite the looming threats and red signs and the growing dirty politics. I kept my head down and did my part. I was somehow, at the bottom of my heart, asking the universe to spare this passion project no matter how difficult and no/lack of sleep I had because of the early mornings even on weekends. I love it with all my heart and soul. It was also different from the path I took in college so I had to work extra harder to study the programs I taught.
All the little things I did and sacrificed were unseen by the people in the highest hierarchy because they’re not physically there (and did not really care to look tbh) and I wasn’t tagging them on social media too. You know, when people want to appreciate you, they will do so even without seeking for their attention. Axel would not lie to anyone about it if he was asked. He knew how I busted my a** off studying all the time that I never even had the time to play on PS4. I juggled a myriad of tasks that it literally made me feel like I was always on the go and there was little time for myself.
It wasn’t easy to swallow for a few days. It made me sad. Then August came and it made me realize that the universe was telling me to slow down. I had to prioritize my career more than my passion project for now. That door closed because my job has better opportunities and learnings waiting for me. I am in a happier place now — I sleep longer than I used to during my weekends, I don’t cram studying two different materials everyday and I have time now to workout and take care of myself. Right now, my priority is myself (my career and well-being), my family, Rem and my friends (when introvertedness doesn’t intervene).
But you know, I also realized how these things are not tackled in social media because we always want to post the nice things that happen to us. We have this “pretend image” that we portray that we think will make us happier or will elevate our status in the society. It would be very hypocrite of me to say I did not feel loathe to the people who tried to ruin my name by fabricating lies just to let me go. But now, I feel sad about the kind of life they live — the masks they wear everyday for their personal gain. That is very tiring. I wonder if they sleep soundly at night knowing they have trampled on a lot of people. You read it right, I wasn’t the only one. It happened to a few other people before it became my turn on the slaughter house. It was really saddening — how they exploit people for their personal gains but posts on social media as if they advocate empowerment wherein it was not even practiced in their sphere of influence. It seemed pretentious, it only looked good outside but rotten on the inside. I sincerely would describe it as abominable, the way things are being run on (and also people being walked on) ; but this was not out of spite. It was really sad how things are going in there but most of them just suck it up because it was their bread and butter — I happen to be lucky it wasn’t mine.
If you’re reading this, I want you to know that you hurt me (You and your minions). You offered me the position face-to-face and I believed in your cause. I expected you to had the decency to set up a meeting with me or a phone call at the very least since you are a VERY busy boss but you didn’t. You know, I’d like to think I have grown more mature than my younger years and so if you had only talked to me and told me: “Abby, can you just hand me your resignation? I want my team now to be legitimately comprised of only those who have finished this type of degree and unfortunately, you aren’t.” it will be easier to accept and I would gladly comply. You didn’t had to make us feel like sh*t because you are on a higher status than us and we’re just on your payroll. We are also human too — and the industry is small. I pray to the universe that you will be able to imagine yourself in our shoes. We know it wouldn’t happen to you given the lengths you may have been through to get to where you are, but just imagining it would suffice and hopefully would make you less inconsiderate.
I have poured all my heart out in this blog to close this door already and let my heart heal. One day, I will go back to this industry but I know that if ever life would permit me that, I will never ever ever make other people feel less of what they are and I will always be true to my core values.